Parenting

It is easy to look at celebrities, athletes, anyone famous really and say, I want to be like them.  More often than not, we look to those who are well known and hold them up to be role models, but are they really the best examples for us to follow?  While athletes do spectacular things on the athletic field, and celebrities may be talented actors or actresses, does that mean they are the ones who should become the role models in our own lives or our children’s lives?   More often than not the answer is no.

While this is a generalization and there are always exceptions to the rule, in most cases, athletes and celebrities are self-consumed and focused on a singular goal: success.  Little gets in the way as they hone their craft, working diligently, over and over to become better.  Though a strong work ethic is more than admirable, and developing discipline is a necessary part of growing older, holding celebrities and athletes to this high standard of being a role model is not practical.  More than that, it raises the question of why we choose those who are famous to be role models.  Is it because they are celebrated, have reached a higher social status, or is it because they have qualities, and character attributes that we want to emulate?

The problem for us is that those we most often aspire to be like are usually from a different socio economic level.  Unfortunately, the wealth that we observe among well known athletes and Hollywood idols has significant influence on who we would most like to be.  Someone who is wealthy, or is well known, does not by default mean they are people after whom we should model our lives.  In fact, when our definition becomes mostly about what we aspire to have and not who we ultimately want to be, the role model we have set before us is ourselves.

Of late, we as parents have failed to teach our children what a real role model looks like. 

A real role model:
1.   has qualities that we would like to have or keep.
2.   is someone who we aspire to be like and is noticeable for how they live their lives.
3.   Impacts us and makes us want to be better people.

So what are you going to do and what example are you following?  Do they align?  If these are not just words, then here are some steps to being a role model for your children and others.

Step one:  Know who you are. That means you will want to have friends who are not pretending to be something they are not.

Step two:  Be unique.  It is more than fine to be different.  That does not mean being different just for the sake of being different.  Instead it is being comfortable with who you are.  One of the most liberating moments in life is when you come to grips with your own weaknesses and you are okay with that.

Step three:  Be kind and focused more on others than yourself.  Learn how to give credit to others and notice the example they set.  Live in such a way that your life can be seen and respected so that it may be said of you: “who can argue with a life so well lived!”

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Dealing with questions and fears

In the late 1960’s I was an Infantry Platoon Leader in the Vietnam War. As I was being trained in the United States in the months prior to my departure for the jungles of Viet Nam, I was extremely cognizant of the dangers and horror that awaited me once I arrived there. I knew for example that the life expectancy of a Rifle Platoon leader was literally minutes on average in any battle. This recognition honed my attention to what I was being taught in the classroom and in the training fields of Ft. Benning, Georgia, and Ft. Sheridan in the Panamanian jungles. I knew that my ability to respond with knowledgeable instinct, spontaneously without the necessity of much thought, was vital to my survival and that of my men. The battlefield is chaotic and lends itself to what combat soldiers know as the “fog” of war. There is no time to check your notes or try to remember what you have forgotten. Your first response needs to be the right one!

There are great similarities here in preparing for the physical and spiritual realities of any tragedy. We need to know the nature and revealed intentions of our Heavenly Father, the experience and work for our salvation of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the power of the Holy Spirit. Satan desires to rob, steal, and destroy. Those who have wrestled with God know the tactics of the enemy and have prepared themselves with such head and heart knowledge: these are the people to whom those who are suffering turn when tragedy strikes.

It is not enough for parents to prepare themselves. They should prepare their children for tragedy as well. As parents, concerned about our children’s well-being and emotional health, we tend to shield them, as much as we can, from the trauma that is common to tragedy. We do not want them to have nightmares or be traumatized by specific knowledge or sight of violence, accidents involving serious injury or death, or anything we deem better handled by mature minds.

When living in Scotland many years ago our two oldest children were only one and three years of age. We came across a devotional book written for little children called Peep of Day, first published in Scotland in the 1800’s. I was struck by the honesty with which it spoke to their infant minds about the fragility of life and what could happen to their small bodies in a great fall or similar accident. It spoke to them in simple words about their bodies being wonderfully made, but also containing breakable bones, “losable” blood, and woundable flesh. It addressed the real possibility of death even at a young age. My wife and I were impressed about how naturally we parents try to shield our little ones from knowledge about the harsh realities of life–things they may very well face in their earliest days. It is just as true that we underestimate what they can understand about their Heavenly Father and His personal involvement in their lives: truths we must help them see and appreciate.

Paul Anderson Family Ministries – Find The Help You Need To Heal

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Dealing with questions and fears

We as a nation have and will experience tragedy.  With the upcoming anniversary of 9-11 as a reminder or the memory of those killed on the campus of Virginia Tech, it is not hard to remember. But a few years ago we were horrified by the heinous killing of the young Amish school girls. The 10th anniversary of the massacre at Columbine High School has just passed. These and others are tragedies to the nation or community because of the large number of people affected in a location where killing is never expected. Death in a war such as Iraq and Afghanistan is not unexpected though it is still tragic. The mass killing at Virginia Tech came as a shock and left us with many questions and fears.

My wife and I recently experienced profound sadness in the drowning of a little 1 1/2 year old boy very dear to us. This is a tragedy in our lives and family as much as Virginia Tech’s massacre is to the nation and the families of those who were murdered. We normatively use this word “tragedy” to refer to the sudden, unexpected loss of a family member, a loved one, or someone very close. It may speak of the death by accident or crime of a number of persons in our life or community. We label any variety of painful events in life “tragedies,” even when the loss is less than human life; whether health, possessions, freedom, or livelihood.

Tragedy and God are not foreign to one another. Most Christians understand that God is good, and tragedy is bad. So what do they have to do with each other? When tragedy happens, some may be quick to blame Satan, the purveyor of evil. Seldom is God left out of the picture, because we expect that if He is all powerful, He could have prevented this. Tragedy can turn some to anger toward God, an anger that lasts in some cases a lifetime. Some even cease to believe He exists. Ironically enough, they retain anger toward Him even while claiming His nonexistence. Job was angry with God, but he never doubted His existence. In the tragedy of his life, he came from knowing about God to the place where he truly saw Him. Tragedy can evoke blame toward God: “God, if you are good, if your promises about our care and protection are true, if you can prevent evil from overtaking us, why did you allow this to happen?” Why 9-11, why Hurricane Katrina, why Virginia Tech, why Columbine, why my child?!

Why, indeed! “Why” is always THE question with which we struggle after tragedy; it is usually addressed to God when we can find nowhere else to place blame. This is a part of our human nature, to assign blame, but tragedies often leave us with no one to blame, and so we wrestle with God.

In tragedy and its aftermath remember that it is not a bad thing to wrestle with God. For it is always and ultimately Him with whom we have to ask the question! He, not Satan, is the anchor of all life; the only One who can and will answer all our questions.

I believe the book of Job is the primary text God has provided for the problem of evil and for dealing with tragedy in life. Not that there are not many other texts in the Bible helpful to us at such a time. But it is the story and lesson of Job that God in His wisdom uses so that we might wrestle, and come by faith to an understanding of tragedy, pain, and the “evil” of suffering. On purpose I have placed “evil” in quotation marks in describing suffering. This is because both the Bible and our spiritual experience teach us that suffering in life has a beneficial purpose. If not immediately, eventually we come to understand its nature in increasing our faith and deepening spiritual maturity. This is the message of such texts as Romans 8:18-39 and Hebrews 12.

However, we certainly do not pray for tragedy in our lives. We pray for protection from it. We ask God to keep it from us and those we love. Even Jesus prayed for God to remove the “cup” of suffering that He would undergo for our salvation, because in His manhood He was not sure He could endure it. Nevertheless, He went willingly to the cross in the strength of His utter faith and trust in His Father. No one desires tragedy, but then no one should believe that it will never come. Rather we should prepare our hearts and minds for it, and teach our children what to do if and when it comes. This should be done and can be done in a manner that does not instill a paralyzing fear of life and the future. The tragedies that have come upon us as a nation, and the personal tragedies that we have suffered closer to our own homes, or even in them, can become useful tools to teach our children about the reality of tragedy and how God uses it to bring needed spiritual growth in our lives.

Visit Paul Anderson Family Ministries to find the strength you need to heal.

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By Glenda Anderson

Before a couple has a child, the husband and wife need to seriously count the cost of the responsibilities of parenthood.

Are both of you willing to sacrifice your own desires and place the needs of your child first?

Are both of you willing to spend time playing with your child and teaching him/her right from wrong?

If one of you chooses to stay at home with your child, can you meet your financial obligations or will you need to cut back on what you are spending?

Because 90% of all divorces are the result of financial problems, these questions need to be addressed before you have a child. By discussing this before you have a child, you can firmly establish your priorities. If your priorities are not at the point where you are willing to make sacrifices for a child, don’t have one until you are ready. Parenting not only takes commitment but also self-sacrifice. If you are not willing to make these sacrifices, your family will reap the consequences during the teen years.

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